The She in Me

She sits in the house, the space that is her world. She has very little communication with anyone and has become lost in her own mind. She wakes up every morning and wonders what she is doing here, in this life. What is her purpose? Why is she so lonely when she has such a wonderful family around her? Why? Has she lost her mind? Her spirit? What?

I look in the mirror and wonder who the person looking back at me is. Who is this person and why isn't it my own reflection looking back at me? This persons hair is a mess and she doesn't wear any make-up. Her face is wide and she has a couple of double chins. I try to look at her, but .... she can barely look at me. She tries, but her pride won't let her. She is ashamed for me to see her. I feel like I should know her, but who is she?

As she sits reading or crocheting she can feel something inside her stirring. She can hear a voice deep down and feel something ...... like a little spark. What is it? She tries to listen and sometimes she can hear it and sometimes without warning ..... she disappears and I am the person in her body. I feel energetic and inspired. I fix my hair and put on some make-up. I go exercise and make plans to start eating healthier, I feel like me, the me I used to be. Suddenly though, without any warning at all ..... I disappear and she is in control again. She has me inside of her .... lost. Lost and I can't seem to find my way out ..... so I sleep, she sleeps.

She sleeps so much lately. She feels like she could sleep forever if the world would let her. She would sleep even more if I didn't struggle to resurface. I have to get into the guilt part of her brain to make her wake up and start moving again. Guilt .... Guilt seems to be such a big part of my life. So she wakes up and I can feel myself waking up too. I do the dishes and laundry and clean up a little and then I'm lost again ..... back in her world. Her small, self-absorbed world. I think she wants me to find me and to let me take control, but she doesn't know how. She has been in control for so long now that I have forgotten what it is like to be the dominant person. I have to find a way to take over though or I'm afraid I will be lost forever.

DIY Haircut

I am so tired of the winter and cold weather. I am getting kinda depressed and really want spring to come and I miss my family so much since I left Kansas. I had so much fun there and it was really nice to have "real people" to interact with. Now I'm back home and in my own little world and by myself for most of the day. My hair has been driving me crazy and I don't have a car to go get a haircut so this morning before I got in the shower I decided to do something about it. No, I didnt pull a Brittany, but I did take some off.

see my straggly ends????



I got Earl's razor thingy out and cut off 4-6 inch pieces of hair.

Surprisingly it doesn't look to bad and it feels SO much better!

I still need to go and get a "Real" haircut and get the bottom layered up nice,

but for now

I feel so much better and so does my hair!!!

I'm Back

Okay, I'm better now and back. Thanks to everyone for their words of encouragement, laughter and prayers. I hate when I get really depressed and I think my good old hormones had a lot to do with it. My issues are all still here, but I'm ready to cope again. I tend to let things build up and then a couple tiny things will set me back. Anyway, enough about that!!

I did make 4 tote bags, some tissue covers and crocheted some cross bookmarks over the last week. I also did some cleaning which made me feel better.

My blogger friend Kelly sent me these cute magnets all the way from England. Kelly had posted them on her blog one day and I commented on how much I liked them and she was such a sweetheart and got me a package. Thanks Kelly and they came at such a great time!!

Aren't these just so cute?!?! I love the colors and the pictures are so cute. Kelly said you can find them on EBay. They also have tins that match. So cute!! Thanks Kelly!!!

Fighting an Old Demon

I am taking a computer break for awhile....an old demon has come back to haunt me. I used to get depressed a lot and fortunately I have avoided it over the last several years, but it has returned. Life is just a little more than I can emotionally handle right now, so after I have a pity party for myself, I will regroup and get a handle on things. Hopefully I can get back on my feet over the next week or so. Until then.

I have been really stressed out the last week. I have been depressed, angry and overwhelmed. Yesterday afternoon I came down with something and I feel like s__t now! I don't have time for this and I want it to go away now!! All of it, just go away!

Okay, on a happier note I have been working on my swap projects. I always feel like what I am sending is not going to be good enough, but last night I buckled down and just started making stuff. I came up with some pretty neat things if I may say so myself! I can't show them though because they are for swaps. I am finishing up on the Itty Bitty Swap, the That's not so Shabby Summer Swap, the Parasol and Paper Swap and the Mermaid Swap (that was supposed to be out a couple of weeks ago).

The Mermaid Swap stuff was ready until I saw my swap partner's blog and found out she actually writes books about art. Of course, then I felt like what I made was very inadequate and I went into panic mode. Now I have decided that I did something really different than I usually would, I tried my best, I like what I made and so it will be in the mail tomorrow with a positive attitude!

After those swap items go in the mail tomorrow I have to work on the Etsy for Charity monthly challenge project, the Vintage Cowgirl Swap and on my Brown Paper Bag Swap stuff. I still need to send a tag to Lori from Pink Faded Roses for her son's "Going into the Military Tag Tree" she is making for him.

I also have to clean, clean, clean. We are having someone look at our place on June 10th and it has to be clean and organized. I have a lot to do, so I don't have time to be sick, damn it!!

Have a wonderful Sunday!!

My Existence

It's 12:13 a.m. here in New York, no not NY City, a small town in upstate NY. Anyway, I was just wondering where the day went. It doesn't matter how early I get up or how late I stay up I never seem to get that much done. Why can't time just stop for a little while so I can catch up? Catch up on what? Good question! If I do my crafts the dishes. laundry, etc.... don't get done. If I do the housework nobody seems to notice anyway and I feel like I have no time for myself.

What is a girl to do? As you can see I have a lot of questions and usually end up trying to answer them myself. I'm a stay at home mom and crave adult interaction. My other half works a lot so I really don't see him to much and when he is home he's tired. I have pretty much become a hermit. I rarely leave my house. I shop on line, talk to my older kids on line, is there really a world outside of this house? The computer has become a pretty good friend. I can ask it anything and pretty much find an answer. That's sad, Huh? I THINK I NEED THERAPY. Don't you think so?

I always feel better after I've typed something to the computer, like it's my own little dairy. I figure nobody ever reads it anyway so what the heck. I feel like a rat in a box. I do the same things day after day after day and I never seem to get anywhere. Where am I going? Why am I trying to get there? Isn't there a better way to get there? I know, I know, the questions again. I am trying to find myself, I guess, Maybe it's just a mid-life crisis? I don't know, I just wish I could find myself so the journey could find the proper beginning and I could leave this confusing existence I've been in for the last couple of years.

Okay, if I've weirded you all out, sorry!! I'm really not weird. Oh yeah, the fairy pics are NOT because I am into any kind of fairy religion, I just think they're cute!

Thanks for listening!

Sherry

I Really Didn't Forget I had A Blog!

Well, I haven't written anything for quite awhile. I got so overwhelmed with trying to make stuff to sell on Etsy and EBay and then Christmas. I try to do so many different things that I end up not really getting anything of importance done. I have some things for sell finally and I did get some of my Christmas presents done, BUT not all. I am still finishing late gifts.
I feel so unable to really concentrate. I feel more like I'm watching my life go by instead of actually participating in it. Hmmmm.........what to do.
I have been talking a lot to one of my sister's lately and I really enjoy that. I tend to pull away from people and bury myself in my own little world. I have become a hermit. I very seldom go anywhere or do anything in the outside world. I shop on-line except for a couple trips to Wal-Mart every month. I dress like a scum bag. All I ever where is flannel pants and t-shirts (the same ones I have been wearing for 2 years now). I am still incredibly overweight and miserable with myself. Maybe it's some of the medications I'm on, hmmmmm......I don't know, maybe it's just the way I am.....depressed.
On a HAPPIER note, as you can see I have added some slide shows of my crafts and added some decorative pictures on the side of my Blog. I also added a picture of me which was really hard for me to do. One, because there are hardly any pictures of me, I am usually the picture taker and two, because I am embarrassed of the way I look. So please don't be to harsh on your comments and judgements please!
I have also redone my My Space page. Yes, I went on and made myself up a My Space. I like being able to see what is going on in my older kids lives. Sometimes I am on it all the time and then I may go a month or so and not even check on it. Sound familiar, kind of like my Blog, huh????
I need to go to bed, it's getting really late and I have to get up with the kids in the a.m.

So goodnight and Thanks for Listening!

Sherry

Here I am again!

Good evening! I can't believe it's already after 5:30. I feel like I've been busy all day but haven't got anything done. Actually, that's how most of my days are. Anyway, I decided to take a break and write a few things down that I have been meaning to do for weeks now.

I have two of the cutest little twin grandson. Jordan and T.J. were born on 10/04 and fortunately they and their mommy are fine! The boys are so cute! I hope Tedi doesn't get to overwhelmed, one baby at a time can be a handful let alone two. Anyway, Tedi seems to be doing a great job!!

I have been busy trying to sew and make other items to sell to help supplement our income. I need to at least pay for the things I have been buying off of EBay (before Earl finds out how much I've spent and kills me!). I have a few things almost done that I am actually happy with and even more done that I'm just okay with. I have tons of ideas though and I'm really excited to get going. I hope to have things done in the next few days to post on EBay and on my Etsy. Make sure and take a peek!!

I haven't done any exercising lately and really need too. My blood pressure and blood sugar are definitely in need of me loosing weight. I am also 7 months late on getting my annual pap done. Mainly because I'm embarrassed about my weight. I need to go and get a mammogram done too. I need someone to give me a good kick in ass to get me going. I am the most unmotivated person lately. I am so embarrassed every time I leave the house. I don't want my kids mom to be "the fat mom". What is it going to take to motivate me. I think I need a friend to talk to and help keep me going. Anyone out their??? Kathy, my son Jace's, speech therapist, is probably sick on me talking to her. She is like the only adult woman in my life on a weekly basis. She talks to me when she has time and she is really nice, but her job isn't to be my friend.

I really need to go do dishes now, vacuum, fold more laundry, make dinner and then give the kids a bath so they can go to bed. Ezie is sick and needs me now too! Have a great evening and remember "it all starts over again tomorrow!!"

Thanks for listening!

Sherry