The She in Me

She sits in the house, the space that is her world. She has very little communication with anyone and has become lost in her own mind. She wakes up every morning and wonders what she is doing here, in this life. What is her purpose? Why is she so lonely when she has such a wonderful family around her? Why? Has she lost her mind? Her spirit? What?

I look in the mirror and wonder who the person looking back at me is. Who is this person and why isn't it my own reflection looking back at me? This persons hair is a mess and she doesn't wear any make-up. Her face is wide and she has a couple of double chins. I try to look at her, but .... she can barely look at me. She tries, but her pride won't let her. She is ashamed for me to see her. I feel like I should know her, but who is she?

As she sits reading or crocheting she can feel something inside her stirring. She can hear a voice deep down and feel something ...... like a little spark. What is it? She tries to listen and sometimes she can hear it and sometimes without warning ..... she disappears and I am the person in her body. I feel energetic and inspired. I fix my hair and put on some make-up. I go exercise and make plans to start eating healthier, I feel like me, the me I used to be. Suddenly though, without any warning at all ..... I disappear and she is in control again. She has me inside of her .... lost. Lost and I can't seem to find my way out ..... so I sleep, she sleeps.

She sleeps so much lately. She feels like she could sleep forever if the world would let her. She would sleep even more if I didn't struggle to resurface. I have to get into the guilt part of her brain to make her wake up and start moving again. Guilt .... Guilt seems to be such a big part of my life. So she wakes up and I can feel myself waking up too. I do the dishes and laundry and clean up a little and then I'm lost again ..... back in her world. Her small, self-absorbed world. I think she wants me to find me and to let me take control, but she doesn't know how. She has been in control for so long now that I have forgotten what it is like to be the dominant person. I have to find a way to take over though or I'm afraid I will be lost forever.