Thursday, November 18, 2010

The She in Me

She sits in the house, the space that is her world. She has very little communication with anyone and has become lost in her own mind. She wakes up every morning and wonders what she is doing here, in this life. What is her purpose? Why is she so lonely when she has such a wonderful family around her? Why? Has she lost her mind? Her spirit? What?

I look in the mirror and wonder who the person looking back at me is. Who is this person and why isn't it my own reflection looking back at me? This persons hair is a mess and she doesn't wear any make-up. Her face is wide and she has a couple of double chins. I try to look at her, but .... she can barely look at me. She tries, but her pride won't let her. She is ashamed for me to see her. I feel like I should know her, but who is she?

As she sits reading or crocheting she can feel something inside her stirring. She can hear a voice deep down and feel something ...... like a little spark. What is it? She tries to listen and sometimes she can hear it and sometimes without warning ..... she disappears and I am the person in her body. I feel energetic and inspired. I fix my hair and put on some make-up. I go exercise and make plans to start eating healthier, I feel like me, the me I used to be. Suddenly though, without any warning at all ..... I disappear and she is in control again. She has me inside of her .... lost. Lost and I can't seem to find my way out ..... so I sleep, she sleeps.

She sleeps so much lately. She feels like she could sleep forever if the world would let her. She would sleep even more if I didn't struggle to resurface. I have to get into the guilt part of her brain to make her wake up and start moving again. Guilt .... Guilt seems to be such a big part of my life. So she wakes up and I can feel myself waking up too. I do the dishes and laundry and clean up a little and then I'm lost again ..... back in her world. Her small, self-absorbed world. I think she wants me to find me and to let me take control, but she doesn't know how. She has been in control for so long now that I have forgotten what it is like to be the dominant person. I have to find a way to take over though or I'm afraid I will be lost forever.


Cathy said...

Oh Sherry, please find a way to take over. Don't let her take control. Make that spark strong. I love you lots! Thanks for sharing this part of you.


Aah Hon, Ihere was some way I could help you to get out of this slump. You are a strong person and I know you can do it. Depression is one of the worst things to have, I have gone through it and I come out of it ok. It came with two of the most horrible events in my life. You Have to fight your way out Sweetie, and I know you can do it. You have a lovely family that will get you through this. I miss your smiling pretty face and your blog. I don't blog a whole lot, but I sure like to read everyones. Lots of love and Hugs, Linda

Anonymous said...


I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time finding yourself. Have you considered going to see a therapist or counselor? Depression is a serious thing and it is okay to seek help. I love you very much and hope that you will soon find your way.

Anonymous said...


I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time finding yourself. Have you considered going to see a therapist or counselor? Depression is a serious thing and it is okay to seek help. I love you very much and hope that you will soon find your way.

Dianne said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling with that mean internal voice. I've been very depressed at a time in my life when I was teenager. You are so important to many people. Your true spirit shines through without a stylist hairdo or makeup-they see you for you! If you want to feel pretty, you have to do that just for you! Kick that inner voice in the butt!
My husband has been struggling with what he thinks is health issues and I think he is depressed and stressed out. He promised he'd talk to someone if his latest bloodwork was ok and it was.
Thinking about you. You are a very sweet lady. You could have perimenopause to and I can relate to that. Damn hormones!

Shannon said...

Dearest Sherry, I wish I had the perfect words to day, but I am at a loss. Please keep fighting and fighting. I'll be praying for that spark to become a roaring flame. With love, Shannon

Rannyjean said...

Sherry: I know exactly what you are going through, I am here my dear blog sister, I can listen, I WILL listen, you can talk to me. I too am lost inside this other person...Read my posts...I fell and am back in leg brace and on walker, I feel so overwhelmed right now and yet I managed yesterday to put make-up on and help where I could but my spirit is broken. I like you feel the spark when reaching out to help others. Between you, me and Melinda, we are a mess! But we will prevail! I will pray for you my sweet friend, you are so giving, talented, blessed with such compassion and you are very loved!

Val said...

I totally understand what you are feeling and saying. I think we all feel like this at one point or other. I love how you put your feelings in to words. You have a gift of writing. This feeling that you are having is why I have a favorite quote. I thought you might like it too. "I am aware that I am less than people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see." Author unknown. I am always here if you want to talk. I so miss you!!!

Melinda Cornish said...

you captured it! you really heart is with you really is, we seem to have the times dont we? but god loves us and we have to love ourselves too....I wish we were neighbors we could beat the heck out of our "she's" and then laugh..........

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