Saturday, July 11, 2015

Why is Communicating With Your Family So Hard?

I always thought growing up that my family was really close.
I loved that feeling.
After I got married and started growing up
 I realized how much my family was only close on the surface.
I don't think that we ever really learned to communicate how we honestly felt about personal matters or anything controversial.
I always did and still do feel very intimidated by my mom and most of my siblings.
I feel like my opinion doesn't matter and that I am less than,
I have never told any of them how I feel,
I am 53 years old and have been letting this anger build up in me for years.
I have so much anger and I hate it.
So Why is it so hard to talk to them?
I was the same way with my ex-husband until I finally just blew up and had such a hatred for him that I couldn't stand the sight of him. 
 (We're better now since we've been divorced and are just friends)
That's not what my intention is with my family.
Now the lack of communication and the build of anger has been passed down to another generation.
Myself,  Earl, my kids and their spouses,
in my opinion have a problem communicating.
In my opinion we get irritated with someone and we gossip about it and keep building up the anger until one of us explodes.
I hate this so much!!
I want to learn how to start fixing my communication problem
with my immediate and extended family. 
I admit I am scared to death to do this and don't know how to even go about it.
I found the following insert today from the book
and I am going to follow up on reading the book so I can try to communicate my feelings better with my family so I can not be so angry and stressed out.
Wish me luck! 
"Have you ever felt really angry, frustrated, or irritated and then you ended up lashing out at people because of it? There is a way to have those feelings without causing so much damage and it is really simple. Learn to explain your non-positive feelings instead of expressing them!

Explaining how you feel (in a calm tone) rather than expressing yourself (using elevated tones and body language) makes it more likely that other people will listen and actually hear what you say. How many times have you said something in anger and the other person heard it in a way that was much worse than you intended? Your voice tone and body language are far more influential than the actual words you are saying.

You might yell "I am so irritated by you, why don't you ever put the lid back on the toothpaste when you're done?" But what the other person hears is "I hate you, you never do anything right!" It sounds crazy now as you read it, but this is so common! I hear from couples all the time about this. They hear the intention in the voice tone rather than the actual words and it causes bigger problems.

If you choose to explain your non-positive feelings, in a more calm manner, you can get your point across with a better chance of avoiding miscommunications. Try talking about your feelings instead of yelling, screaming, or judging and see how your communication changes! Feel free to express joy, elation, curiosity, and other happy emotions but explain the rest!"

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My DIL made this up using the pictures of my 5 oldest boys. So funny!

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